


Despair

by prayerdean08



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Canon Compliant, Coda, Declarations Of Love, Episode AU: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27521425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prayerdean08/pseuds/prayerdean08
Summary: He doesn't think about Cas.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 30





	Despair

Dean doesn't know what to do. 

He doesn't know what to think, what to say, what to do. The ground is cold and hard. 

_ Cas _ is...

_ He's _ ...

Dean buries his face in his hands. It's hard to stop the tears now, the deep-chest sobs that etch through his being. Cas is gone. 

_ I love you. _

Distinctly, Dean feels the vibrations of something. He reaches for his phone, the caller I.D. saying 'Sam.' He sets the phone down. Dean doesn't know what to do.

So he sits there. On the cold, hard, ground.

_ I love you too. _

-

Dean looks up after hearing footsteps through the hallway. He expects to see Cas walking through the door with that special smile on his face, saying “Hello, Dean.”

But of course, it's Sam and Jack. Sam with his familiar red flannel, and Jack in tow. Dean just tilts his head back to the wall and closes his eyes, swollen from crying. 

"Dean?" Sam kneels down. Dean can't look at him. "Where's Cas?" Sam rests a hand on his shoulder, and Dean finally cracks his eyes open. There's a hollowness in his chest when he meets Sam's concerned gaze.

"Cas is gone, Sam." Dean can’t feel anything. He doesn’t want to feel anything. “He’s gone.”

Dean doesn't remember much after that. He can barely think. He's numb. 

Dean doesn't really care, he doesn't really care. He just sits there, thinking about Cas, thinking about nothing. About how hopeless he feels. About how his chest aches. About how dead inside he feels.

Eventually, the silence in the room thickens. They’ve all been sitting here for a while, Dean guesses. Maybe hours. Maybe minutes.

He didn’t even get to say goodbye.

Dean doesn’t think about Cas when he gets up. He knows what he has to do.

He has to kill God.

-

Dean doesn’t correct Sam when he assumes that Cas disappeared with the rest of the world.

Dean can feel Jack’s gaze on the back of his head.

It’s tough. It’s really tough being the only two people (plus one angel) left in the entire world. The kitchen seems particularly quiet and cold when Dean finally drags himself off the floor. He doesn’t look at Cas’ spot at the table. And he doesn’t think about Cas.

About how their fingers brushed after a few drinks in the evening. About how Dean longed for those slight touches to last a little longer. About how Cas’ blue eyes and piercing gaze made it hard for Dean to look away.

It’s difficult. 

Dean tries to not think about him. Tries not to think about an angel. An angel of the Lord, who has lived for thousands or millions of years (Cas has always been skittish about his age.) an Angel who loves Dean.

Even when he was the reason Cas was dead in the first place.

Dean shouldn’t have pushed to go after Billie. Cas wouldn’t have told him about The Empty deal, Billie wouldn’t have gone after them, and Cas wouldn’t be…

Cas wouldn’t be gone.

Jack and Sam look like hell. Sam’s expression gets dimmer and dimmer as he explains to Dean exactly what happened. How everyone disappeared. How cars are abandoned and streets are empty. How the entire world got Thanos snapped away.

“Chuck is going to come for us next.” Sam says quietly. “We’re the last ones left.” There’s a long silence. Dean feels a little nauseous, but stands up and pulls out a beer from the fridge. Sam and Jack don’t look at him. Dean can’t feel the burn when he swallows hard and sits on the ground. 

He doesn’t think about Cas.

-

It’s a surprise when Michael shows up in Adam’s body a few minutes later, looking pissed and determined. Adam’s gone, he says. And he’s determined to get him back along with everyone else.

“Adam and I had no-one but each other for a long time.” Michael says. It’s a little quieter than usual. Micheal taps his fingers slightly against the table as he talks. “And after he disappeared…” Michael looks up. “I need him back.”

“We’re gonna get them back.” Sam assures Michael, assures himself. “He’s gonna come back.”

“I want Chuck dead.” Dean says bluntly. Michael doesn’t look surprised, but stiffens a bit before nodding.

“We have a deal, then.” Michael says.

“We have a deal.” Dean says. He doesn’t think about Cas.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Can't wait for this coda to be completely destroyed by canon tomorrow but that's ok.


End file.
